From High Brow Pirate to Hometown Pastor

Okay.  I have had a nights sleep and I realize that in my eagerness to tell everyone how it went, I missed a big element.  Here, via email, and on facebook I am hearing one simple question:  How do you feel!  I did not intend to avoid the question.  But I think the absence of the answer to that is complicated.  But it boils down to I did not know how I felt yesterday.  Not for any insidious reason, but for the reason that my brain and emotions were too spent for me to give a real answer.  In many ways I am still sorting out all my emotions and at the same time trying to fast forward through all the eventualities. There is an irony in my choosing the song title from Superstar for my entry.  The lyrics are telling at the beginning and I did not think about it.

APOSTLES

What’s the buzz?
Tell me what’s a-happening.

JESUS

Why should you want to know?
Don’t you mind about the future?
Don’t you try to think ahead?
Save tomorrow for tomorrow;
Think about today instead.

APOSTLES

What’s the buzz?
Tell me what’s happening.

JESUS

I could give you facts and figures.
Even give you plans and forecasts.
Even tell you where I’m going.

So with that in mind, I am going to forget about the future, facts and figures, and plans and forecasts (is it bad that I gained wisdom from a fictional Andrew Lloyd Webber version of Jesus as seen through the eyes of Judas????) and focus on today.  Today, right here, right now, I feel wonderful about what happened yesterday.  What I feel good about is not numbers, style of music, worship, prayer, or sermonizing.  I feel good about what can best be described as glimpses and emotions and spirit of community.  Something good happened. 

Some of these people who are connected solely to me met for the first time today.  Many of them have sat at the same table with me at George’s Diner…but on different nights.  Some are not connected to me at all (until yesterday), but they were connected with other people I have sat at tables with at George’s.  It was fun watching people laughing and talking and their children running about as if they have grown up together when in actuality some met that day.  That part had me grinning ear to ear.  Why?  Because that is organic and real community and was not contrived by lighting, music, preaching, or programs.  It was organic.  It was one of those things that God and people do working together without the people even being aware of that symbiosis because they are living in a good moment. 

Something interesting happened at one point.  Everyone just kinda sat at one point and waited.  They were ready.  They had decided they were ready to sing and be a group.  They applauded the worship efforts of those and sang together and paid attention to the words of the spirit of the songs.  

The preaching.  I did use some of the things I prepared, but to be honest, I kinda ad libbed it because it just felt right in that moment to establish some things.  What I feel good about was that I not only used the passages in Amos, Isaiah, and Matthew to identify what if wrong with church today, but I was able to elaborate on WHY it is wrong.  Where I personally wish I had been stronger was when I spoke of the things that could be right about a community and how we intend to do that in a way, the line of how to get from a to b was not as clear.  However, I am not sure the world’s problems can be summarized in 15 minutes.  Also, while I spoke of the right things…I saw some people wiping tears from their eyes.  I have never in my life said anything that made someone cry besides-I’m breaking up with you or Your mom died or golly your fat and unattractive.

Afterwards I had some really good conversations with people looking for something like this and they are hoping this is what they are looking for.  I hope so to..not for numbers, but because of your heart meaning the world to me.

What was missing for me?  I am reticent to bring that up.  See, on Saturday I popped over there really quick and sat in the space alone and prayed.  I told God I was sorry for a great many things.  I begged God for his will to be done and begged him to make this real and not some whim of mine that would have been a year and half mistake and I walked in there on Sunday calm.  I say that because of a new found humility.  I am not saying I am without humility, but I found a new depth of it that I did not know was within me.  It’s like when you have a kid.  You discover fonts of love you did not know you had.  Or if you fall in love, you have the same result.  I suppose if you lose a child or a spouse you feel new pain.  There are moments you find a depth of emotion you did not know you had in you.  This new humility was one of those depths and it was good. 

Yeah yeah yeah!  I am stalling here.  All right, here goes.  I wanted the tables out with the chairs in a more organic fashion.  I did not this Sunday because I had NO idea how many people would show up.  I wanted as many chairs out there as possible.  Worship.  I need at least an overhead projector so people do not have to fumble for lyrics on sheets of paper.   And as I work through this worship issue I am having I need to chew on what the worship music portion was like. I also need to make for more interaction.   My gay friends blew me off.  They would have had safe harbor there, but maybe that would be hard to trust.  My college age people blew me off…and Dana too.  I thought I was building a better bridge over these social chasms…and maybe I have.  But the bridge needs to be tested a bit more so I suppose I will have to cross the bridge over the chasm and see what’s up. 

Though it would have been nice to come have lunch with people, it made my heart’s day that I visited some of the coffeehouse kids at the hospital.  Because in that moment I felt in my zone.  Being with people who are suffering and hurt and scared.  It was all part of the same church service for me.  It was worship for me and I hate that they are ill, but I am glad to be able to visit them without reservation and love them.  

So…ummmm…is that a better answer?

 I have no crystal ball, but I feel damn good and very hopeful.