From High Brow Pirate to Hometown Pastor

Not too long ago I had coffee with another pastor.  As I try to avoid naming names (for now), we will call him Pastor Minion. He works for Pastor "Billy Mays" Pitchman.  Well, Minion and I were chatting and Minion told me about his concerns if I continued to go this route of starting a church the way I am.  His concerns are I will destroy my family, my faith, and hurt other people.  I pressed him as to why this would happen he told me that it is because I refused their assessment program and offer of resources and by choosing to go with Fran and Lifespring as my partner church as opposed to with his group in the WCA.  Furthermore, I will not have a tenth of the resources they could have offered and they know all about Fran’s planting efforts in another town. Before you think me a sell out to negative criticism..lemme explain something. I was abused as a child and it left me sensitive and with this need to be liked and accepted.  I have taken criticism for starting this church.  In some circles it is referred to as the Great Apostasy of Pat Green.  I am cool with that.  Most of the time I kinda enjoy taking heat…but from the right person..said the right way…it will cut me deep.  This time, it cut deep because I respected and trusted Minion. 

It is now time for some facts.  Almost two years ago I poured out my heart to Pastor Pitchman and Minion about my desire to go back to ministry.  I was looking for support and community and gave them an invitation to lead me in this journey.  Then a door opened to go back to Bible College.  They knew….no comment.  Then I graduate.  Nothing…not a comment, a congrats, or an acknowledgment.  One day I wrote seven pages about what a church could look like and I thought God might be telling me to make this.  I told Minion and his group about it…nada.  Showed it to Fran.  He offered me time, friendship, and this vision support and with wisdom and a great example…he, his board, and his community have helped form me and shape me into the troublemaker for love that I am today. When I made the move to the support that was organically offered I am suddenly an issue with some counter offer and now that I did not do it their way…well…I will destroy everything near to me and possibly open some rift in space and time and break the universe?  No.  I do not think so.

Hey!  Let’s take a look at the methods we use for planting churches today…shall we?  It will be fun! First, you will think you have a call of God on your life to be a vocational minister.  If you do not happen to have a divinity degree from a Liberal Arts Bible College…you will have to go into debt to the tune of 40-100 thousand dollars.  Okay, so now you have to take your broke and indebted ass that has not worked for four years and send in an application.  Contained in the application will be the following sorts of things:

- Personal Information (including photo)
- Resume
- References
- Testimony & Call to Plant Questionnaire
- Marriage & Family Questionnaire
- Theology, Core Values, and Pastoral Theology Questionnaire
- Planting Strategy & Timeline Questionnaire
- Personality Profiles
- Phone Interview
- Preaching Sample
- Confidential Questionnaire

All of this is put through a matrix to determine your worth as a person of God and ability to cut it. If the matrix says you are a swell guy and your wife is swell and kids are cute…well, they will take the time to get to know you and develop a relationship. See, we must  make sure you score well in a number of areas relevant to the characteristics of a successful church planter before we get to know you.  I mean, to do the subjective before the objective would be…well…crazy.

So hey, now you are a lead-planter applicant!  Wheeee!  You now get a personal assessment interview and then your spouse is interviewed to make sure the bitch fits in.  What I mean is they will sit down for an interview/coaching time with you and your wife (required) and scrutinize your background, your plans, your strategy and perform a SWOT analysis!!!! Now comes another step to determine your readiness and potential in planting. If you pass this, you will hit the next stage. Develop of their…uh..I mean…your strategy and plan your next steps. If you are ready to plant and they and the cosmo magazine plagiarized tests claim you are ready, you are approved as a candidate as they help you establish your action timeline, and you get permission to gather your core group and funding.  Sounds like CEO boot camp so far.  Now, from here we will do demographic analysis of your preferred residential area of ministry, perform a financial viability analysis, canvass the area with marketing to create awareness and excitement and create a dynamic and entertaining worship service to draw people into the Sunday structure and tithing dynamic and get a building project underway with attendance goals for the first three years based on a formula.  Failure to reach said goals may result in reassessment and/or loss of central funding.  Once you have a spiffy building…consider it a starter home as one day you will go for a campus…along the way…you might even help some people.

Tell me again what I am missing out on?  Man, it is a wonder Jesus and 12 kinda dense guys and couple of unmarried chicks ever got this whole thing started.  I mean…it is clear that based on all this…they did it wrong.

Also, church planters…that crap they give you about 80% of all church plants failing?  Buncha crap.  I got better numbers if you wanna email me.